A Travel Free Learning Article
By Norman Jameson, Ministry Partner with The Columbia Partnership
Voice: 919.607.4991, E-mail: NJameson@TheColumbiaPartnership.org, Web Site: www.TheColumbiaPartnership.org
Download Jameson, Empty Nest or Return to Romance
Talking with some friends about the pending graduations of their son and daughter from college and high school, they expressed concern that they have nothing in common outside of their children and they are anxious about the coming years when they will be the only occupants of their house.
He likes work and sports. She likes education and plays. He leaves for work early and stays late. She works hard at school and longs to pencil in live theater for the weekend.
They face the empty nest unprepared.
While many couples who are solid in their relationships look forward to the time the last child leaves for college and the dog dies so they can return to the focus they had solely on each other in their early years, many others dread the thought of looking across the breakfast table that first morning with no children at home and asking, “Who are you?”
Divorce statistics indicate people with long tenured marriages are giving up, realizing they’ve grown apart and that only the children they have in common kept them together. That is a sad trend and totally unnecessary.
Research by the Barna Research Group finds divorce rates among conservative Christians significantly higher than for other faith groups and much higher than atheists and agnostics experience. http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm
According to data from the National Center for Health Statistics, the overall divorce rate declined by 1.4 percent between 1981 and 1991. But Claudia and David Arp said in their book, The Second Half of Marriage: Facing the Eight Challenges of the Empty-Nest Years that during those same years, the divorce rate grew 16 percent for couples married 30 years or more.
George Barna, president and founder of Barna Research Group, said, “The research … raises questions regarding the effectiveness of how churches minister to families. The ultimate responsibility for a marriage belongs to the husband and wife, but the high incidence of divorce within the Christian community challenges the idea that churches provide truly practical and life-changing support for marriages."
As America ages, that rise in divorce rates for long term marriages should signal an alarm for churches to help that half of the population that has always been their target: families.
“We might see a spike in the divorce rates if we don’t do something,” said Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. “In our focus on preparing newlyweds we often forget how fast things can unravel at the other end of marriage.”
Jana Staton, a marriage therapist in Missoula, Mont., uses the 1999 movie “The Story of Us” to help married couples avoid empty-nest divorces. The movie is about couple married 15 years who separate and consider divorce while their children are away at summer camp. “This is the only movie I’ve seen that really looked at the anatomy of a marriage” with respect for the union and its difficulties, said Staton.
“A lot of couples think they can wait until the kids are out of the house before dealing with their marriage,” she said in a Washington Times story by Cheryl Wetzstein. “The message I want to give is not to wait.”
The Arps give eight guidelines for people who realize their empty nest is not feathered with bliss.
- Let go of past marital disappointments, forgive each other and commit to making the rest of your marriage the best.
- Create a marriage that is partner focused, rather than child focused.
- Maintain an effective communication system that allows you to express your deepest feelings, joys and concerns.
- Use anger and conflict in a positive way to build your relationship.
- Build a deeper friendship and enjoy your spouse.
- Renew romance and restore a pleasurable sexual relationship.
- Adjust to changing roles with aging parents and adult children.
- Evaluate where you are on your spiritual pilgrimage; grow closer to each other and to God and together serve others.
These are good words. What can the church do to help couples prepare to discover the joy of those final years – maybe as many as 30 years – and make them their best years? There are no biblical examples of parents willingly dealing with an empty nest, but here are some ideas for a church:
1. Encourage “couple time” for young families who cannot afford the babysitter money by providing child care for a date night.
2. Create family ministry opportunities so couples can minister together and see each other interacting in that context.
3. Encourage leaders in young couples’ Bible teaching classes to consistently mention the long lives their students are preparing for. We give lots of attention to newlyweds and pre-marital counseling, but things can fall apart fast if they have harbored resentments that surface when they are alone at last.
4. Encourage marriage retreats without the children. These things need organization, but half the couples can keep the children for the others during the retreat and get the favor returned next time.
5. We are raising self centered children and youth ministers should sensitize their students to the fact that their parents have lives, too.
Newly independent parents should make it clear to adult children that they have lives of their own, and establish guidelines that the children are not to expect parents to be at their beck and call “because they have nothing else to do.”
With a new awareness, we can change the negative terminology “empty” nest to a positive expectation of “return to romance!”
Important Things to Know
Norman Jameson is a Ministry Partner with The Columbia Partnership. He is also editor of the Biblical Recorder, a state newspaper for Baptists in North Carolina. The Columbia Partnership is a non-profit Christian ministry organization focused on transforming the capacity of the North American Church to pursue and sustain Christ-centered ministry. Travel Free Learning is a leadership development emphasis. For more information about products and services check out the web site at www.TheColumbiaPartnership.org, send an e-mail to Client.Care@TheColumbiaPartnership.org, or call 803.622.0923.
